By Trevor Hass
Gwendolyn from accounting has
never watched a college basketball game in her life. She prefers doing
crosswords, cuddling with her cat and knitting by the fire.
She doesn’t know who Jimmer
Fredette is. She doesn’t know about Kemba Walker, Christian Laettner or George
Mason. She had never heard of March Madness until her crush from sales, Marvin,
asked her to join a pool.
“Yeah, sure, I’ll go
swimming, Marvin!” Gwendolyn replied, but before she knew what had happened she
was on Yahoo, filling out a bracket while sipping on some oolong tea.
Gwendolyn doesn’t know about
RPI, BPI or SOS. She knows about FLW (four-letter words), ICK (incredible
cat-food kiosks) and CRY (cheap, reliable yarn). She also knows about operation
OMG (obsessed with Marvin Greeley), and that’s the only reason she didn’t back
out.
As Gwendolyn fills out her
bracket, she’s naturally drawn to the cats. Kentucky, Arizona, Villanova, 1, 2,
3. Bam. She’s also been known to marvel at the two Cardinals – named Chinanu
and Montrezl because her ex-boyfriend was a Pitino fan (she doesn’t get it) –
from her back porch on a serene summer suburban night. So there’s her four.
Now wait just a minute.
That’s a damn good Final Four. Come to think of it, that’s legitimately what
the Final Four’s going to be. Two 1 seeds, two 2s, four talented teams who have
been there before. How the heck did she do that?
Gwendolyn doesn’t know when
the games are. She doesn’t watch any of them. She has no idea she’s won the
pool until Marvin texts her. (They recently exchanged numbers. Big
development).
“I can’t believe it,” the
text reads, at 12:03 a.m. on Tuesday, April 4.
Gwendolyn’s mind starts
racing. “He can’t believe what?” she ponders…why it took him so long to see
what was right in front of him? That he hadn’t asked her out sooner? That she
was so perfect? Ahhhhhh.
Then the second text comes
in, at 12:09. (She was playing it cool by not responding right away, plus her
cat needed to be fed).
“So I guess drinks are on you
next time, huh?”
What drinks? Next time? Was
there a first time? What are these mixed signals?
“Haha, I guess so! Pretty
crazy!” she responds at 12:17, still unsure what the heck he’s talking
about.
“Wait, do you not know what
happened? You won the pool!”
“I WON A POOL?!” (all caps).
“No, the pool. The March
Madness pool.”
“Oh. Cool.”
“Are you not excited? You get
$1,000! More cat food for Mittens!”
“Oh yeah, that’s true. So how
bout those drinks?” She hesitated on this one, but figured YOLO and went for it.
Marvin said yes, but when
they went out they had nothing to talk about. He wouldn’t shut up about that
crazy 15 over 2 upset, and she wouldn’t shut up about her cat. They both
realized they were better off as friends, and Gwendolyn was actually pretty stoked
once she realized she was $1,000 richer. She even splurged on the Sunday New York Times and stayed up to the wee
hours of the morning making sure the crossword puzzle was complete.
Once she finished, she cried
herself to sleep, and her tear marks smudged the crossword. She still wasn’t
happy, but she was a winner, goddamnit. A March Madness genius. And she was
the talk of her entire office, but she just smiled and nodded. The tears had
disappeared, but the anguish still remained. Gwendolyn wasn’t happy. Money doesn’t
always lead to happiness. Only March Madness does that, for true basketball
fans.
Gwendolyn will win your
office pool. Her name may be Patty, Sue or Mary, but trust me…she’ll win.
She’ll claim she knows nothing about college basketball, and she’ll be telling
the truth. As much as you don’t want her to win, she will.
Unless…
You follow these five rules.
Follow them closely, don’t veer away from them and throw out everything you
think you know about anything. This is a war zone, and there’s a 9,223,372,036,854,777,807
out of 9,223,372,036,854,777,808 chance you won’t pick the perfect bracket.
Don’t beat yourself up. You
had no way of knowing Troy would beat Duke. It’s not your fault. It’s just the
way it is. Perfection is impossible in life in general, but especially during
March Madness. But if you follow these tips, hopefully you can beat Gwendolyn
(you still won’t).
1)
Don’t pick a 16
seed to beat a 1. Don’t do it. Listen to me. You don’t want to do it. But
Gonzaga’s overrated! Daum on South Dakota State can tear them up! Go
Jackrabbits, bro! Yeah, I mean if that happens you’ll be a genius and a God.
It’s not gonna happen, though. It never has, and it won’t this year. If it does
then maybe we can reconsider next year, but for now you just have to resist the
temptation.
2)
Have at least one
No. 1 seed in your Final Four, but don’t have all four there. Don’t be the guy
who has all four No. 1 seeds. No one likes that guy (sorry, Dad, I love you.
You’re the exception. Go Zags!) Pick a 2 seed. Maybe even a 3, or a 7 or a 9! Go
a little crazy. Kentucky, Duke, Louisville and Arizona are actually really,
really good 2s, so this year picking one of them shouldn’t be too difficult. On
the flip side, don’t pick all non-1s, either. I’m Mr. Upset. I love upsets more
than just about anyone, but this is a bad idea. I can just about guarantee at
least one 1 seed will make it, and if that doesn’t happen then all of our
brackets will be torn to shreds anyway so this is all for naught.
3)
Pick a 12 to beat
a 5…or maybe two…or three! Only once since 1997 have all four 5 seeds knocked
off the 12s in a clean sweep. For whatever reason, it really doesn’t happen.
UNC Wilmington, Princeton, Nevada and Middle Tennessee State are all really,
really solid teams. They have good guard play, which is imperative in the
Tourney, and some of them have already been in the Tournament. You don’t have
to pick all four. No one’s asking you to do that. But pick one and see what
happens. If you’re right, you’ll be awfully glad you did.
4)
Have at least one
double-digit seed in the Sweet 16. This comes back to the whole no upsets
thing. Anyone can click the buttons to pick all the favorites (except my dad,
who loves basketball but allegedly asked my mom if he could auto-select all the
favorites and then go back and change a couple manually. Sorry, Dad, the
material’s just too rich to pass up). Middle Tennessee State, Iona, Florida
Gulf Coast and Wichita State are all definitely teams that could get it done.
Take a risk. Live on the edge.
5)
Piece of advice
No. 5 is very important. In fact, it’s the most important of all, and if you’ve
somehow read this far (bless your soul) I highly encourage you to not stop now.
Piece of advice No. 5 will change the way you see the world. It will shape your
entire month, and you’ll be extremely glad you changed your ways before it was
too late.
Piece
of advice No. 5: Don’t follow pieces of advice Nos. 1 through 4. Doing so will
cause you great suffering and may result in physical pain and emotional
distress.
I
follow college basketball religiously. I watch much more than I should and circle
March on my calendar once mid-April hits. Where does it get me? Nowhere.
Last
year, I finished 36th out of 100 in my pool, which was a miracle and
by far my best result ever. This year, I’m hoping for the perfect bracket but
am realistically expecting to slink back into mediocrity.
I’m
not very good at this, even though I desperately want to be. So do the opposite
of what I said to do, burn your computer and turn on your TV.
The Madness
is here. Gwendolyn’s about to be rich, and you’re about to die trying.
