Monday, December 17, 2012

Not Top 10: Most un-bowl-ievably bad bowl names

By Trevor Hass - Syracuse University '15

The Advocare 100 Independence Bowl. Really?

Bowl season is now in full swing. Arizona squeaked out a 49-48 win in a shootout against Nevada, while Utah State romped Toledo 41-15, thanks to a dominant 3-touchdown performance by RB Kerwynn Williams.

The action is great, sure, but it’s not even close to as great as the incredible (and by incredible I mean atrocious) bowl names that accompany the games.

Remember when it was just called the Rose Bowl? The Rose Bowl was the purest thing in college football. Now it’s the Rose Bowl Game Presented By Vizio. Not so pure.

Here’s a Not Top 10 list of the worst bowl names in 2012, full of names that are almost as “un-bowl-ievably” bad as the incorporation of “un-bowl-ievably.” And that’s saying something.

10) Outback Bowl (Michigan vs. South Carolina, 1 p.m. on Jan. 1)

This one seems normal on the surface, but if you really think about it, it’s far from normal. Outback is a steakhouse. What does steak have to do with a bowl game? You’d think they’d cook up something a little more well done considering the high, um, stakes. Maybe they’re trying to give off the vibe of toughness (rawness) – that football players are so “meaty” and tough that they take people “Out-back” and teach them a thing or two. Doubtful. Not sure the Outback Bowl is the most scrumptious name out there.

9) Tostitos Fiesta Bowl (Oregon vs. Kansas St., 8:30 p.m. on Jan. 3)

My only gripe with this one is that Tostitos is trying just a tad too hard. They’re basically implying that someone who likes football and their chips would naturally combine those two things into a fiesta. I’d be fine with Tostitos Bowl. Companies need to sponsor games. I get that. The “Fiesta” just puts it over the top. What if I want to just eat Tostitos while watching the Tostitos Bowl? Maybe I don’t want a fiesta. If I do, I’ll have my own fiesta and call it the Trevor Fiesta. Nope, that sounds preposterous. So does Tostitos Fiesta. Now you see where I’m coming from. The one thing I do like, though, is that Chip Kelly is coaching in a bowl game based predominantly around chips. That’s kind of cool.

8) Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (NC St. vs. Vanderbilt, noon on Dec. 31)

Wow. This one really speaks for itself, but I’ll throw in as many bad puns and semi-humorous one-liners just to keep you slightly entertained. I’m just picturing this 50-something with a monocle and a pinstripe suit from a mortgage company standing at midfield. “Hello everyone, and welcome to the Franklin Mortgage Music City Bowl. Whooph, saying that entire name was exhausting. I’m winded. Give me a second…….Who thought of this name anyway? It’s just awful.” Nothing says bowl season like the FAMMCB. The Fammcb. The Famsib. Oh you famsib, huh? I personally don’t famsib (fancy) it. Then again, maybe I do if I’ve had this much fun making fun of it. Maybe it’s all a master ploy to get people to talk about Franklin American Mortgage! Brilliant! Or maybe it’s just bad. It’s a toss-up, frankly.

7) Gator Bowl (Miss. St. vs. Northwestern, noon on Jan. 1)

Really? I’m picturing a massive gator lurking in the water ready to snatch and eventually pulverize its prey. But here’s the twist. The gator casually stands up, revealing a pair of fully functioning gator legs. He walks over to a nearby post, picks up a laptop and starts doing taxes.
“Honey, I’m slaying these taxes!”
“That’s great to hear, honey. I’m going to food shopping.”
“Later, gator.”
Is that what they’re going for? Again, doubtful. Possible, though.

6) Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Fresno St. vs. SMU, 8 p.m. on Dec. 24)

All I can picture is a massive hotel/football field combo in a bowl-shape. That would be sweet. If they actually had that, I would book a flight right away and switch to Sheraton for life. I may actually be onto something there. Anything involving Hawaii is awesome, so I won’t make fun of this one too much. The only thing I’ll say is that I would reconsider pairing a hotel with an island. Those two don’t really go together. Just kidding. Crap. I guess this name’s not that bad. I’m keeping it in the Not Top 10 though. You’ll just have to accept it. On second thought, here’s a flaw. I think Sheraloha Bowl has a nice ring to it. I’ll run it by Sheraton and let you know what they say. Hopefully, it’s a go.

5) Little Caesars Bowl (W. Kentucky vs. C. Michigan, 7:30 p.m. on Dec. 26)

Ready for another ridiculous scenario? Of course you are! If you weren’t, you would have stopped reading awhile ago. Picture lots of Little Julius Caesars running around with swords and robes (that’s what they wore, right?) It’s 4th and 1. Central Michigan has the ball at Western Kentucky’s 2-yard line with four seconds to go, down six points.  Hilltopper defensive back Jonathan Dowling turns to his Little Caesar friend and says: “Time to Caese the moment, comrade!” Then Dowling attacks Chippewa QB Ryan Radcliff. But then, in a shocking twist, CMU offensive lineman Eric Fisher turns around and tackles Radcliff in the ultimate form of betrayal. “Et tu, Brute?” Radcliff says, following the “Brute” tackle, and lies on the ground, defeated, with the game over and the season a disappointment. Fin.

4) Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl (TCU vs. Mich St., 10:15 p.m. on Dec. 29)

You’re with a couple of buddies at Buffalo Wild Wings watching the game. Hey, I ate Tostitos and had a fiesta while watching the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl … why not watch the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl at Buffalo Wild Wings? Mich St. has the ball in a tie game with seven seconds to go at TCU’s 43-yard line, just out of field goal range. It’s Le’Veon Bell time. Mich St. head coach Mark Dantonio plays it safe and hands the ball to his star running back. It looks like he’s about to get tackled and the game will head into overtime. But then he breaks free! Un-Bell-ievable! Then, in a shocking turn of events, a rock emerges on the field out of nowhere and Bell trips and flies forward – just a few yards short of the endzone – as time expires. Similar situations unfold over and over again, and eventually the game heads into quintuple overtime. That’s okay! More wings and beer! If you don’t get the reference, watch this:
You probably get it, though, considering you likely care about and watch sports.

3) San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (BYU vs. SDSU, 8 p.m. on Dec. 20)

I just don’t quite see the connection between an unexciting company, a flower and a football game. Isn’t that what the Rose Bowl Game Presented by Vizio is for? The SDCCUPB doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue. The credit union deserves no credit here. Credit is exciting! The bowl name should get people excited! I mean, I guess San Diego’s exciting. Poinsettias are moderately exciting. Football’s all right, too! But county credit union … doesn’t get much dryer and less exciting than that.

2) R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (E. Carolina vs. La. Lafayette, noon on Dec. 22)

R+L’s Carrier’s slogan is “We ship anything, anywhere, anytime.” All right, then. How about shipping in some new marketing specialists? This name is a “shipwreck.” First of all (maybe it’s just me), but I didn’t know what R+L Carriers was. Secondly, now that I do, there’s no pizzazz to the name. It doesn’t make me want to ship my products with them. Come on, R+L; I expect better of you. Finally, I’m just envisioning a truck driver “carrying” the football and getting absolutely obliterated, like Caesar. This name just isn’t good. It’s not as laughable as some of the others, but it’s just as bad – if not worse.

1) Advocare V100 Independence Bowl (Ohio vs. UL Monroe, 2 p.m. on Dec. 28)

This one takes the cake. The worst of the worst. The most un-bowl-ievably bad. “I have enough independence to use Advocare V100 on my own now! I’m independent! You can gain that independence too by switching to Advocare!” Frankly, I don’t (Advo)care. This is not a good name for a bowl game.

There you have it: The 10 most un-bowl-ievably bad bowl names.

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