Not Top 10: Most un-bowl-ievably bad bowl names
The Advocare 100 Independence Bowl. Really?
Bowl season is now in full swing. Arizona squeaked out a 49-48
win in a shootout against Nevada, while Utah State romped Toledo 41-15,
thanks to a dominant 3-touchdown performance by RB Kerwynn Williams.
The action is great, sure, but it’s not even close to as great as the
incredible (and by incredible I mean atrocious) bowl names that
accompany the games.
Remember when it was just called the Rose Bowl? The Rose Bowl was the
purest thing in college football. Now it’s the Rose Bowl Game Presented
By Vizio. Not so pure.
Here’s a
Not Top 10 list of the worst bowl names in
2012, full of names that are almost as “un-bowl-ievably” bad as the
incorporation of “un-bowl-ievably.” And that’s saying something.
10)
Outback Bowl (Michigan vs. South Carolina, 1 p.m. on Jan. 1)
This one seems normal on the surface, but if you really think about
it, it’s far from normal. Outback is a steakhouse. What does steak have
to do with a bowl game? You’d think they’d cook up something a little
more well done considering the high, um, stakes. Maybe they’re trying to
give off the vibe of toughness (rawness) – that football players are so
“meaty” and tough that they take people “Out-back” and teach them a
thing or two. Doubtful. Not sure the Outback Bowl is the most
scrumptious name out there.
9)
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl (Oregon vs. Kansas St., 8:30 p.m. on Jan. 3)
My only gripe with this one is that Tostitos is trying just a tad too
hard. They’re basically implying that someone who likes football and
their chips would naturally combine those two things into a fiesta. I’d
be fine with Tostitos Bowl. Companies need to sponsor games. I get that.
The “Fiesta” just puts it over the top. What if I want to just eat
Tostitos while watching the Tostitos Bowl? Maybe I don’t want a fiesta.
If I do, I’ll have my own fiesta and call it the Trevor Fiesta. Nope,
that sounds preposterous. So does Tostitos Fiesta. Now you see where I’m
coming from. The one thing I do like, though, is that Chip Kelly is
coaching in a bowl game based predominantly around chips. That’s kind of
cool.
8)
Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (NC St. vs. Vanderbilt, noon on Dec. 31)
Wow. This one really speaks for itself, but I’ll throw in as many bad
puns and semi-humorous one-liners just to keep you slightly
entertained. I’m just picturing this 50-something with a monocle and a
pinstripe suit from a mortgage company standing at midfield. “Hello
everyone, and welcome to the Franklin Mortgage Music City Bowl. Whooph,
saying that entire name was exhausting. I’m winded. Give me a
second…….Who thought of this name anyway? It’s just awful.” Nothing says
bowl season like the FAMMCB. The Fammcb. The Famsib. Oh you famsib,
huh? I personally don’t famsib (fancy) it. Then again, maybe I do if
I’ve had this much fun making fun of it. Maybe it’s all a master ploy to
get people to talk about Franklin American Mortgage! Brilliant! Or
maybe it’s just bad. It’s a toss-up, frankly.
7)
Taxslayer.com Gator Bowl (Miss. St. vs. Northwestern, noon on Jan. 1)
Really? I’m picturing a massive gator lurking in the water ready to
snatch and eventually pulverize its prey. But here’s the twist. The
gator casually stands up, revealing a pair of fully functioning gator
legs. He walks over to a nearby post, picks up a laptop and starts doing
taxes.
“Honey, I’m slaying these taxes!”
“That’s great to hear, honey. I’m going to food shopping.”
“Later, gator.”
Is that what they’re going for? Again, doubtful. Possible, though.
6)
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Fresno St. vs. SMU, 8 p.m. on Dec. 24)
All I can picture is a massive hotel/football field combo in a
bowl-shape. That would be sweet. If they actually had that, I would book
a flight right away and switch to Sheraton for life. I may actually be
onto something there. Anything involving Hawaii is awesome, so I won’t
make fun of this one too much. The only thing I’ll say is that I would
reconsider pairing a hotel with an island. Those two don’t really go
together. Just kidding. Crap. I guess this name’s not that bad. I’m
keeping it in the Not Top 10 though. You’ll just have to accept it. On
second thought, here’s a flaw. I think Sheraloha Bowl has a nice ring to
it. I’ll run it by Sheraton and let you know what they say. Hopefully,
it’s a go.
5)
Little Caesars Bowl (W. Kentucky vs. C. Michigan, 7:30 p.m. on Dec. 26)
Ready for another ridiculous scenario? Of course you are! If you
weren’t, you would have stopped reading awhile ago. Picture lots of
Little Julius Caesars running around with swords and robes (that’s what
they wore, right?) It’s 4
th and 1. Central Michigan has the
ball at Western Kentucky’s 2-yard line with four seconds to go, down six
points. Hilltopper defensive back Jonathan Dowling turns to his Little
Caesar friend and says: “Time to Caese the moment, comrade!” Then
Dowling attacks Chippewa QB Ryan Radcliff. But then, in a shocking
twist, CMU offensive lineman Eric Fisher turns around and tackles
Radcliff in the ultimate form of betrayal. “Et tu, Brute?” Radcliff
says, following the “Brute” tackle, and lies on the ground, defeated,
with the game over and the season a disappointment. Fin.
4)
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl (TCU vs. Mich St., 10:15 p.m. on Dec. 29)
You’re with a couple of buddies at Buffalo Wild Wings watching the
game. Hey, I ate Tostitos and had a fiesta while watching the Tostitos
Fiesta Bowl … why not watch the Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl at Buffalo Wild
Wings? Mich St. has the ball in a tie game with seven seconds to go at
TCU’s 43-yard line, just out of field goal range. It’s Le’Veon Bell
time. Mich St. head coach Mark Dantonio plays it safe and hands the ball
to his star running back. It looks like he’s about to get tackled and
the game will head into overtime. But then he breaks free!
Un-Bell-ievable! Then, in a shocking turn of events, a rock emerges on
the field out of nowhere and Bell trips and flies forward – just a few
yards short of the endzone – as time expires. Similar situations unfold
over and over again, and eventually the game heads into quintuple
overtime. That’s okay! More wings and beer! If you don’t get the
reference, watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1C8y5z_7YtA
You probably get it, though, considering you likely care about and watch sports.
3)
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (BYU vs. SDSU, 8 p.m. on Dec. 20)
I just don’t quite see the connection between an unexciting company, a
flower and a football game. Isn’t that what the Rose Bowl Game
Presented by Vizio is for? The SDCCUPB doesn’t exactly roll off the
tongue. The credit union deserves no credit here. Credit is exciting!
The bowl name should get people excited! I mean, I guess San Diego’s
exciting. Poinsettias are moderately exciting. Football’s all right,
too! But county credit union … doesn’t get much dryer and less exciting
than that.
2)
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (E. Carolina vs. La. Lafayette, noon on Dec. 22)
R+L’s Carrier’s slogan is “We ship anything, anywhere, anytime.” All
right, then. How about shipping in some new marketing specialists? This
name is a “shipwreck.” First of all (maybe it’s just me), but I didn’t
know what R+L Carriers was. Secondly, now that I do, there’s no pizzazz
to the name. It doesn’t make me want to ship my products with them. Come
on, R+L; I expect better of you. Finally, I’m just envisioning a truck
driver “carrying” the football and getting absolutely obliterated, like
Caesar. This name just isn’t good. It’s not as laughable as some of the
others, but it’s just as bad – if not worse.
1) Advocare V100 Independence Bowl (Ohio vs. UL Monroe, 2 p.m. on Dec. 28)
This one takes the cake. The worst of the worst. The most
un-bowl-ievably bad. “I have enough independence to use Advocare V100 on
my own now! I’m independent! You can gain that independence too by
switching to Advocare!” Frankly, I don’t (Advo)care. This is not a good
name for a bowl game.
There you have it: The 10 most un-bowl-ievably bad bowl names.